I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You had me at "let me see your balls"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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