someone threw a dead crab at me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
