i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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