Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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