Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
