So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
