Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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