Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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