it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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