The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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