Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
