It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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