Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
