i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Someone came in the potted fern
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
