now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
