if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
