thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize