Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
