Umm I'm too high to move.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize