we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
