I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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