I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
