grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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