Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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