I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
