he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
