The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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