I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
