This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
