Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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