Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
