You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
