so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize