I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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