You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
