I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
