Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
