I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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