So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
