Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Randomize
