The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
