my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
