before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
