is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
