Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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