she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
