I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
