Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
