she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Small penises have feelings too.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
