operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
