i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Randomize
