i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize