There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
