I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
