mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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