Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
