I wish my penis had an off switch
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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