I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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