If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
