You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize