I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
