omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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