Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize