Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
