Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
