I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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