Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
