My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize