yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
