I accidentally had phone sex last night
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
