Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
