I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
