she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
