He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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