We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
