i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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